Dear LOST ME,
Somewhere down the road you were told that you would never amount to anything and that your voice would never be heard. You were told that you would be all sorts of negative things that you ultimately believed for a very long time. Many people were told the same things in their life and like yourself they also believed those lies and allowed the lies to stop them from living. You lost YOURSELF for so long! You had no true identity. You had no true sense of worth. You went along with the flow of the world .
Until you met God your life was a total wreck. Now you’re drenched in the fragrance of God’s Love, Grace, Forgiveness, Mercy, Compassion and Worth. Today you’re on a daily road of RECOVERY and WHOLENESS. You’re FREE. Free to be. Free to be who GOD called you to be. Free to be who you’re DESTINED to Be. Free to be WHOLE.
Ready to get back to who you used to be or have you drifted so far that you’ve lost sight of who you used to be? Hurt and pain plagued your life for years but it doesn’t have to plague the final chapters of your DESTINY. You’ve made decisions or the lack thereof out of fear, so why not allow faith to fuel the very essence of your daily grind from here on out. Your smile, your eyes, they sparkle at the thought of your dreams and passions becoming a reality. Let’s unlock the chambers of your heart to love again, to trust again, to live again and to propel to higher heights again. Girl, you’ve hidden yourself for far too long. Now let’s unveil yourself and allow the Glow of Radiance to birth forth! Hurt, pain, abuse, rejection and isolation doesn’t define you! it empowers you to help strengthen another who’s still longing to be found!!!! 💞💞
Ever lose yourself while trying to help others pick themselves up again? Ever lose yourself while trying to find yourself ( may not make sense, but it’s possible)? Ever lose yourself in the chaos of trying to understand the depths of who everyone else wanted you to be? Ever lose yourself trying to be everyone, but you? Here’s the grand all where I know we’ve all fell short: Have you ever loss yourself searching to fill a void in a place that only God Himself can fill?
Over the years, I totally lost myself! I mean TOTALLY and DESPERATELY LOST myself! Truthfully speaking, I often wonder if I ever really knew who I was to even begin with. SAD, BUT IT’S REAL!!! This year I declared that it would be a year of COMPLETE HEALING and WHOLENESS for ME!!! With wholeness comes VULNERABILITY!!!!!!! Who likes being VULNERABLE???? NOT THIS CHIC!!!! No Sir! No Ma’am!!!! LOL!!!! Anyhoo!!! 😃I started this blog with the purpose that I would allow God to use me however HE sees fit!!! I wasn’t really ready and for about a month or more I had a full on wrestling match with God (Yep, almost like Jacob wrestling with the angel! LOL Ya Girl was down and out until I got it together)! It has taken me a while to pen this particular blog post because I wasn’t ready to be fully obedient to the voice of God in being vulnerable in telling some of my TRUTH in how I was LOST at one point of my life!!!
Lost me allowed others to take advantage and I didn’t really care or did I? I just didn’t know how to show up for myself nor did I know how to protect myself especially my innocence or purity. Lost me allowed MOLESTATION define who I was and allowed it to depict what my entire life stood for at the time and for a very long time: Unworthy, Unloved, Not Valued, Trash, Filthy, Lifeless. But the GOOD NEWS is that I NOW know My TRUE IDENTITY. Lost me had no true identity. I didn’t know who I was. I allowed myself to be defined by who I was around at the time. I cussed, I drunk, I gossiped, I partied, I talked down on people and it was all depending on who I was around at certain times. I was a FOLLOWER. SMH!!!
It was a point where I was disrespectful to my GRANDMOTHER!!! When I had to come to her and apologize it’s like my heart broke in pieces ya’ll!!! The only one who NEVER turned her back on me!!!! NEVERRRR!!!! She grasped me back with OPEN ARMS!!! You know what she told me “SHE LOVES ME” and that I was “out sowing my wild oats and sowing all the wrong ones!!!” NOW WHAT IN THE WORLD???? LOL!!! In others words she said I was out being FAST and HOT!!! She wasn’t lying!!! The hurt in my grandmother’s eyes was enough for me!!! I was grown at the time too. I wasn’t yet 25, so trust me when I tell you that age does not mean maturity cause I was grown, yet not MATURE at all!!! Losing yourself will have you destroying the best things that could ever happen in your life and have you destroying the lives around you! During that pivotal time of my life I had a baby cousin tell me to my face that she didn’t even know the person I had become anymore and that she couldn’t even look up to me anymore! Talk about kick a person when they’re down! Sheeesh!!! THAT WAS A WAKE UP CALL!!!
Lost me was GULLIBLE to every word spoken to me by a man. CHILE!!! SMH!!! Due to molestation and sexual assaults/rape as an adult LOST ME stopped saying “NO.” For years between the ages of 21-26, I became very promiscuous. My mentality was, “I’m going to just give IT before they take IT and this way I am still in control. I was so lost and in so much pain I was tired of fighting. I was so weak mentally and physically. I didn’t know how to wage against the war that was going on in my mind that was literally taking me out!!! The enemy was slowly trying to kill me!!!! LITERALLY!!!! HAAAAA!!! JOKE WAS ON HIM!!! I’M STILL HERE!!! I became so calloused and hard. My heart became cold and bitter. Love! Ha! That was a joke. What was that?? Now my life exudes Love! I love Hard! Sometimes I think I love too hard! ❤
The thing with that “CONTROL MENTALITY” was that it started another issue of me losing myself which was me becoming BULIMIC, which then started a spiral of other ADDICTIONS down the years. At first I found the thrill and rise of purging to be satisfying because afterwards I could sleep it off and then I felt a part of them was leaving the inside of me so it was a form of relief on my end. I was in a whole “healthy” relationship (as healthy as you can get without God being involved) for one of those years and even then sex was never seen or felt intimate or healthy for me since I was a child.
Until I went strong after God and developed a STRONG FOUNDATION and RELATIONSHIP with HIM nothing was looked at as healthy and whole. I remained lost until I stopped running from God. I promise He snatched my tail up one day and said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!
I was lost! I was empty! As crazy as it may seem I didn’t blame my mom! I didn’t blame my dad! I didn’t blame my abusers! I did when I was younger, but not when I was an adult. The only ones I blamed for my abuse and my years of turmoil was myself and God.
FORGIVENESS IS NECESSARY!!!!!
I blamed God until I got an understanding of who God was to ME! I had to get to know God for MYSELF! I’m not the churchy church girl and I am very rough around the edges and I’m glad God made me this way because it helped me get a better understanding of HIM and the way He carried me through all that I had went THROUGH!!!
It was easier for me to FORGIVE God before myself because even from BIRTH He kept me. As a young girl being physically abused I am still alive and able to tell my story. Through years of being molested and crying for help and nobody, for years, helping me, I can now help other young girls break free from their bondage. Suffering from years of depression and suicide attempts and God saying, “NO.” When you should be dead, but God has allowed you to LIVE and write about it (even though shaking at the thought of others knowing some of your TRUTH!!! 🤷🏾♀️) Addiction to pain killers, masturbation, pornography (even if these were just for a brief moment for a week or a month it still consumed my life), but God said YOU ARE NOW WHOLE, DELIVERED AND SET FREE!!! 💞🙇🏾♀️💃🏾🙌🏾
I held on to not forgiving myself for so long because I felt so dirty on the inside. I never dealt with anything I was struggling with alone. I always had a spiritual sister, mother or mentor to help guide me or pray me through this journey or when I couldn’t fight this battle alone. I needed help along this path because I knew that I wouldn’t and couldn’t do this alone or on my own. Once I forgave myself things began to look so much more clearer in my life. I was able to be more at peace with who I was and what I was called to do. I still had and have my days and I still struggled with certain things, but I had peace when it was time to go to God in prayer and I wasn’t down and out and depressed when I did make mistakes. I surely wasn’t lost when I fell short. I was able to hear God a lot more clearer. Mind you this process has been over the span of years as God has taken me through a time of self-realization and transformation. He’s still taking me through a PROCESS and I think that will continue until the day he says, “WELL DONE!”
I’m on a different JOURNEY now of WHOLENESS and when I tell ya’ll it’s going to be a WILD JOURNEY for sure. I opened my mouth and spoke something to God. We all know that when you speak things BOLDLY by FAITH that things begin to take place and start to happen! Our words have some MIGHTY POWER! I know for a fact it’s going to come to PASS. With it coming to pass, it’s going to STRETCH ya girl to the fullest depths possible. I hope you all are praying for MEEEE!!!! Just stretch your hands out right now!!! In Jesus Name it shall be DONE!!!! AMEN!!! I’m so serious 🤩😍🙌🏾
I’m no longer LOST! I’m no longer BOUND! I no longer feel ASHAMED of what I have been through, what I have struggled with or what I have yet to even experience because God has been there and will continue to be there through it ALL!! God’s Love is MATCHLESS!!! His GRACE is SUFFICIENT!!! When the WORD says, “HIS MERCIES BEGIN AFRESH EACH MORNING,” believe because it is TRUE!!!
I’M FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! FREE TO BE FULLY USED BY GOD!!! NO MORE HOLDING BACK!!!! HERE I AM GOD!!!!