It’s been a long time coming. Please bear with me while I take the time to express my deepest thoughts and feelings. For so long I’ve needed to heal! I needed to be WHOLE, but I didn’t know how. I looked into everything, except the good thing and the GOD thing.
At such a young age even before I hit puberty my childhood was ripped apart from me. People see me now and they have no real idea of all that I had to endure, see or go through.
Watching my mom being physically abused over and over for years and there was nothing that I could do about it was enough for one girl. Well, at least I thought that would be enough. experiencing that and seeing my mother cry out for help because of my father almost killing her to death multiple times was a lot for one girl. Those years began my journey of hurt and pain from MEN!!!! 😢
I didn’t lose my mother during those years of abuse that she endured. Roosevelt, I lost my mother the day you entered our life.
I can picture vividly in Northlake Hills on the top floor apartment; I was hungry. You were there. My mother had never raised her hand at me. My mother had never raised her voice at me. My mother was someone I loved being around. This particular night was a weekend. My best friend Ebony was over. It was getting pretty late. I had asked a few times about dinner. the last time I asked became the last time I had a loving mother until I was close to 23/24 years old.
That day while in the 3rd/4th grade started the cycle of physical and sexual abuse that I had endured for way over a year. From ceramic ashtrays thrown into my side, kicked in my legs/ribs til it’s hard to walk and beaten in the head with my clarinet were just some of the things that I had to physically had to endure.
The favorite “Black” family’s motto: “What happens in my house stays in my house,” kept me in pain and in bondage for so long. Who do I turn to, Who can I cry out to?
I often wondered why my grandmother couldn’t see through my eyes to know that I was hurting and that I really needed her. Why didn’t anyone ever come to my rescue. I was constantly screaming on the inside, with hopes that someone, somewhere would hear me.
You destroyed the relationship I had with my mother. She chose you over me. From the first time of meeting you I knew my life was going to be an uphill battle from there.
It started with you “accidentally” coming to into the bathroom while I was taking baths. From there it went from you touching me in areas, that at the time no woman in my family has ever told me was off limits. I hated it, but “don’t tell your mom, it’s our secret” was a constant trend with you.
Besides who do I tell and cry too? Remember I witnessed my mom go through abuse and nobody helped her. Remember my mom chose you over me. She abused me physically so why would she even care? I didn’t seem to exist to her. In my mind and in my heart I didn’t anyway. You knew it too. That was the shocking part. You knew you had her and me right where you wanted us. The night you were arrested and the next day that you were released, my mom was there to greet you with open arms. I didn’t matter to her then. I had to come with her to get you. You know what she told my grandmother…that I was okay and that I was eating sour balls that you had brought me. On the inside my nerves were shattered. My heart was shattered. I felt betrayed and every part of me felt broken and emptied. My own mom gave up on me and didn’t care that you had abused me for so long. That wasn’t even the end of the of the battle with you.
The bathroom was just the beginning. Eventually me and Tee were left alone with you while my mom worked. Your touches became more intense and it started to hurt. Feelings a young girl or child should ever have to experience. You didn’t care about my tears. I think that turned you on even more.
You told me that you wanted to teach me how to be a woman. I loved my books, I loved my barbies and I loved playing with Tee’s GI Joes. Forcing me to pretend to be on a runway and giving you a “show,” as you called it, with no clothes on. The look on your face as you groped my tiny body at 9 years old made me cringe inside. It melted my soul to the core.
You had a game like Simon Says, except yours was “June says.” I had to do what you did and that’s when you began making me put my mouth on you until I was sick.
You got so comfortable that you didn’t care that my mom was home. You began doing things right under her nose. There were times right during her cooking dinner. I was no numb to everything by this time. I don’t know if my mom even knew what to do. Whether you had her scared to even fight for her own child. What I did know was that I was alone…TOTALLY ALONE!!!!
The most HORRIFIC night that still brings pain and nightmares and visions my way was my night on Lakeview Dr. at the bus stop. My mom made me go with you this night. Your family had some party/function more whatever. I don’t know where Tee was. He helped make things better after you finished what you did to me. My brother was my safety. He was my protection. He didn’t know what was going on, but we were close. Living in Northlake I loved when he wanted to sleep in my room because it meant I was safe and for that moment I was free from being hurt. This night Tee wasn’t there. I HATED HIM!!!! WHERE WAS HE???
Every ounce of my being and the little dignity I had was taken at that bus stop. It was dark…pitch dark…All I could think about was why was the bus late. He told his family we had to leave to make the bus. The bus never showed up. It seemed like it took forever. I hate driving down that street. That night on that hard bench was when I stopped crying. I stopped fighting. I stopped caring. I stopped praying for God to help me. That bus stop you took all that I had left. The couch, my bedroom, the bathroom…I could deal with that, but to feel like crap at a dark bus stop that was the WORSE!!!!!
That night I remember thinking to myself how I wish everything would just go back the way they were with just my mom, my brother and myself. That never happened.
Roosevelt, I’ve allowed the damage you caused to control me for so long. I’ve kept everybody at a distance. I’ve accepted less because that’s all I thought that I was worth. I found you on FB last year (Early 2018) but you had a few people from my church as your FB friends so I continued to keep it in. I allowed what others thought to keep me from breaking FREE.
No longer can I keep what has imprisoned me for over 20 years. I release EVERYTHING you’ve ever done and said to me and I genuinely FORGIVE YOU!!!! I never want anyone to hurt as much as I did. I never want anyone to feel trapped and in bondage for as long as I was.
I pray that through this I’m able to help others become free from things that have tormented them for years. I DON’T HATE YOU!!!!! I DON’T WISH BAD UPON YOUR LIFE!!!! I PRAY THAT YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN VERY PROSPEROUS AND GOD-FILLED these past twenty plus years. You may never see this, but this is my RELEASE TO GOD and HIM setting the stage for this next season of my life!!!!!
P.S. THE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOM, THAT THE ENEMY USED YOU TO TRY TO DESTROY, HAS BEEN MENDED AND RESTORED!!!!! GOD HAS DONE A WHOLE 180 WITH US!!! WE’RE NOT PERFECT, BUT THROUGH EVERYTHING WE HAVE CONQUERED SO MUCH TOGETHER!!!!!
I’M FREE!!!! I’M NO LONGER BOUND!!!!!
WITH MUCH FORGIVENESS,
I truly pray that everyone who reads this that you release anything and anyone that has held you in bondage due to not forgiving them. Stop holding on to what hurt you. We all heal differently and deal with everything differently. I am still healing. Nothing is worth your mental health or sanity. Release the pain and FORGIVE. DOn’t allow another person that much power and joy over your joy, blessings and peace.
You deserve all the HAPPINESS and BLESSINGS that God has waiting for you. Parents and loved ones STOP with the “what happens in my house, stays in my house,” mentality. Children are hurting and families are being torn apart.
BREAK THE CYCLE!!! THE GENERATIONAL CURSES THAT HAVE BEEN TIGHTLY GRIPPING YOUR FAMILY ENDS TODAYYYYYY!!!!!! YOU ARE THE LINK TO YOUR CHILDREN’S FREEDOM! YOU ARE THE LINK TO THAT LOST SOUL WHO NEEDS TO BE SET FREE!!!!
I Love you all with the love of God!!!! Continue to pray for me and my Journey as I continue to pray for each of you!!!! The enemy comes in many ways even as I finish this post!!! I came into 2019 with my ultimate prayer that God will completely make me WHOLE!!!! I have fought with HIM the entire time. I can’t fight and battle with God!!! It’s only through HIM that I am able to live and have peace through all I have gone through!!!! Molestation couldn’t take me out!! Rape couldn’t take me out! Eating Disorders couldn’t take me out! Depression and attempting suicide couldn’t take me out!!!! So I live another day to tell how GOD has saved me and given me a TESTIMONY!!!! I regret nothing I made it out of.
God Loves me and HE loves you too!!!
Peace and Blessings
Yalonda Nicole 😍