****TRIGGER WARNING!!!!**** IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING WITH DEPRESSION, MISCARRIAGES AND /OR SUICIDE I JUST WANTED TO FOREWARN YOU IN ADVANCE!!!!
🚫 Just a word of CAUTION‼️‼️ I have no idea how God’s gonna lead me to write this or what the final outcome is going to be, so take this journey with me and let’s see how it unfolds! Now that that’s out the way let’s get into it! 😉
Whew!!!! A raise of hands for everyone who’s SINGLE and OVER ITTTT!!!! ☝🏾☝🏾☝🏾🤷🏾♀️This is probably the area of my life where me and God go head to head with on the regular! It’s the part of my life that tries to keep me depressed to the max! The part of my life that I don’t understand and at times just toss it in a DARK corner of the room hoping that it’ll never be thought of again! The part of my life that I had wished over and over to go back to the PIT of HELL where it came from!!! 😂😩🤦🏾♀️😢🤷🏾♀️🤬🙅🏾♀️👎🏾🚶🏾♀️(yeah all them emojis can represent some of this single life)
It’s been TEN YEARS…Yes TEN whole YEARS of being single!!! In the beginning of those ten years I was chill! Who needs or wants a man anyway!!! Those were my thoughts at the time. I was 26/27 at the time! My life nowhere near together and so much to learn and so much more space needed to be filled in for OPTIMAL GROWTH! 😏🤦🏾♀️😩
I would say I was late to the party my entire life when it came to do dealing with men! I never had a positive outlook on men. I never saw a man treat a woman with any kind of respect that was around me. All the men I had around me that should have set an example for being loved the right way were GARBAGE!!! Yep! I said it!!! Besides my Uncle Tim, everybody else simply did not value nor love women at all! Their actions proved that to be soooo evident.
I loss my virginity at the age of 21! I was scared out my darn mind! He was 27 and a hood boy! What’s so funny is that I am soooo much more attracted to the HOOD BOYS and reformed HOOD GUYS that aren’t as hood anymore (if that makes sense) I love a little roughness to my guys. 🤣🤣🤣Nobody I can run over. At that time it was no such thing as “Netflix and Chill.” Oh but babbyyyyyy Netflix and Chill isn’t nothing new! Y’all just done got fancy with it! LOL!!! Y’all gave it a name! 😂🤷🏾♀️
Anyhoo, even with losing my virginity with ole boy (and nope I don’t even remember his name) 😏🤷🏾♀️😂 we weren’t in no relationship! Heck, I was so content with just getting it when I wanted it! 😂🤷🏾♀️ Yeah it takes my mother to tell you the level and depth of my sex addiction. I didn’t care what time or what day, if i was itching for it then I made calls and they came a running 😂🤷🏽♀️(If you’ve read any of my blogs you know I don’t filter out my thoughts; they come all out! #SorryNotSorry I’m never going to be ignorant but I’m always going to be as real as I can be).
I ACCEPTED what I got and never EXPECTED anything from anybody! 🙅🏾🙅🏾 I don’t know if during the early stages of my single life, if I didn’t expect anything more because I didn’t feel WORTHY of more from a man or because I just had rather keep a WALL up to stop from being HURT 💔💔 in the first place. Even looking back I didn’t have a FEELING. I was so NUMB and DEAD on the INSIDE since a little girl that NOTHING sparked my attention.
June 8, 2008, was my first ever REAL relationship and it’s so much that I can say about that relationship, but NOTHING bad at all. Nothing bad about him. I think he was EVERYTHING that I could have wanted in a man had I truly known what LOVE truly was. I never wanted for nothing. I can say that the only issue we fought a lot about was my attitude when things didn’t go my way and that call to my momma to tell on me!!!! Man that was some funny stuff looking back. LOL!! I promise I stressed that man out. LOL!!!! He was my FIRST REAL RELATIONSHIP. When it ended I was cool, calm and collected. My mom thought something was wrong with me because I didn’t cry or anything. CRY FOR WHAT????? It was what it was. I was use to things ending and although everyone thought that we would get married, I felt God had a different plan.
It wasn’t until years later that I started to cry and get depressed over the relationship ending. Not because I was mad and upset, but because I ended the relationship because I thought that it was the best thing for my Spiritual Journey and Walk with God. When I first got saved in 2009, the first thing I decided that was best for me and him was giving up sex. Living together and both of us some fine beings HOW IN THE WORLD WAS THAT GONE BE POSSIBLE. Whew it worked for a while, but I had began to shut down. He was still all in and still madly in love with me.
You see, I loved sex so it wasn’t an emotional encounter with me at all. When the physical stopped I just zoned completely out. I was straight!! Whatever I could do to make him feel some kind of way, I tried. He had a heart of gold and always tried to fix anything he deemed was wrong. We had a great thing as I think back on it now. I just was not mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready for what it would take to put into a relationship. I eventually moved out of our apartment and then moved back in and then moved back out. I didn’t know what the heck I wanted to do. The last and final straw was when he said why do you keep coming back when you don’t want to be here and you have mentally checked out anyway. Who pissed in your cheerios dude!!! But he had a point. So I left and moved in with my granny.
But years after the breakup is when I started to hate being single. After him I hadn’t had sex in years. It was a great feeling to actually be free and not allow sex to control my life because I definitely allowed it. I was MAD AT GOD!!! This was the first time that I had ever spoke about being mad at God. How am I still single when I gave up the man who was everything to me only to still be in this place of turmoil. I just knew that I should have been in a relationship by then since I mean I did give him up for GOD!!! Or did I?
Those were my thoughts and even now those are my thoughts from time to time. I’ve had my fair share of interactions with men in the past 10 years, that still leave me speechless. I’ve experienced miscarriages, depression, suicide attempts and all just because the single life took a major toll on me.
I fell in love with a man that makes it even hard now to fully let him go, if you will say. A friendship with that many years, how can you just say forget it. I’ve tried so many times 🤦🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️but my strong self has yet to be as strong with letting go as I have with all the other guys that have came into my life. Has it been because we had history wayyyyyyyy before I even had any type of sexual encounter with him? I don’t know if my heart went plunging hard into him because he was rather persistent or because I was in love for real. I don’t know. We had been friends for years. Over a decade and whether he wanted to or not he never approached me on no sex type stuff. He was always and still is around. He asks about my grandmother, my mother. HE’S a FRIEND!!!!
You see with my first ever miscarriage I was at my worse. I dealt with all the physical and emotional ramifications possible. I tried to commit suicide not long after having this miscarriage. I went to my First Lady and told her about just wanting to die and she gave me the best encouragement ever!!! I promise I love her so much!! Like she may be the realest person everrrrrr!!!! 💓💓💓 If you met her you would surely see why! I didn’t have to tell her every little detail and she didn’t make me feel horrible. She did let me know that I don’t ever need to let a man take me to the point of wanting to kill myself. What I can say is that during that conversation it was my last time actually attempting suicide.
The second miscarriage in 2018, was rather different! I didn’t let the guy know at all! Although we had been friends for over a decade, it took one time for me to get pregnant and that tore my entire world apart. I was doing so good. I had been free of sex for 3 whole years and in one morning it all ended. I was devastated. I had no idea I was going to miscarry, but when the opportunity presented itself to move out of state I took it. There were so many thoughts roaming through my mind. I wasn’t ready to leave my grandmother and my mom, but I wanted a fresh start and I wanted to be far away from anybody when this baby came. The thing you see, he even asked me was I pregnant because I was sooooo sick. I told him NO. I was lying. (it is what it is) I knew we wasn’t going to be in a relationship and our lives weren’t going to change. We are soooo different. Different is that I am weird and quirky/nerdy and he never really saw me in that LIGHT!!! IF you ask him though he may say different, but bbabbbyyyyy them actions don’t lie. PERIODDDT!!! Mind you this was a guy that I cherished. I loved him, but it was deeper than what was seen on the surface. Shortly after signing papers to be released from my job, I had the miscarriage. At this point I was already so far in with moving and leaving I thought that it was the best thing for me. I needed a fresh start at this point. After the miscarriage I hadn’t talked to him for a long while. Blocked him off social media. Blocked him off my phone. It was for me so that I wouldn’t drag myself into it with him and I needed to free self from him. Easier said than done, right. It was easy for a year at least.
Moving to Charlotte helped me. It helped me to gain a greater sense of who I was and who God was in my life. I thought 2019 was my year of having a man ya’ll! OHHHHHH how I was wrong. Met a guy that I just knew was going to be different. Different from what I had dealt with. He wasn’t from the streets. He was a man of God. We talked for hours allll the time. I don’t talk on phone with anybody. He called, Facetimed and all of that. He seemed to care about what I cared about. He wanted to get to know me for me. When it was time for us to get ready to go on dates and such I shut it all down. I wasn’t ready. Different reasons, but I wasn’t ready. There was one thing that stood out to me in the process of talking to this guy. I was vulnerable. The walls that I had up to keep guys out weren’t working right with him. LOL!!! I was honest! I was open! The reality of that was he couldn’t handle it.
All these years of being closed off and not sharing my feelings and being open was a problem!!! NINJA IS YOU CRAZY!! It didn’t make sense to me. He told me I was moody and emotional. NAWWWWW, I just wasn’t letting anybody talk to me any kind of way and definitely wasn’t going to hide who I was to benefit any man. (What the heck you thought) We decided it was best to not even talk anymore. He popped in my heart and spirit quite often and I prayed for him and his family when I felt led to, but I never once let it phase me. I learned what I needed to learn and I accepted what God needed me to accept. So it wasn’t a waste because I learned a lot in the process and I was able to begin healing.
I know I have talked/typed a mile a minute with this post! The thing is, this is an area that I have felt defeated for a very long time. I allowed the hurt from the men in my life stop me from accepting real and true love. I allowed the hurt I experienced as a little girl make me emotionless and showing no affection…Real Affection at that!!!!
I have fought daily with God on this single journey and it has been very draining. SINGLE AND WAITING isn’t just something to toss around. I have been single, BUT I have not been WAITING THE RIGHT WAY!!!!
When you think you are ready for the LOVE that God has for you, you get smacked right in the face with the reality that you aren’t as ready as you think that you are. I have been very conscious of God in my life lately that I know what God has for me. He has allowed different parts of my life surface so that He can let me know what HE has for me! It’s hard at times when you want something soooo bad, but you know it’s not time. The thing about true and real love is that it has to be reciprocated. God isn’t gonna allow you to be madly in love with someone when He knows that person isn’t gonna be ready for you. JUST MY VIEW. Lusting and Loving are two different things babes!! Trust me, I KNOWWW!!!
I asked my friend once before abut being in love and loving someone. I don’t doubt that this man loves me, but let’s be honest it’s not being in love with me that he feels. I am okay with that. He asked me did I love him in that way…like being in love because I told him I have never been in love. I think I was the most honest with him that day than I ever had been. I simply told him like I thought I was, but the reality is I had never been in love to know what it feels like. I know that it will be felt on both ends and not be a one way street.
I even told my friend/sister that once my heart has stopped flowing in that direction then I know that I will be okay. In all honesty I know that I am okay because I am no longer wanting or desiring something that I know isn’t going to be available to me. My thoughts have been that just because we aren’t right for each other doesn’t mean that he is a bad person or that I am a bad person. He’s just not MY PERSON!!! It took me some time to realize that. I came to terms with my feelings for him almost 4 years ago and I loved him then and liked him so much, but I was 22 and today I can honestly say that I am okay with just being his friend. I had lost sight of that because I had tried to convince myself that the words he was speaking were words that would bring forth ACTION. Actions never came with the words. I was honest with him and let him know where my heart stood. He sincerely apologized for making me feel the way that I did and that he never intentionally meant to hurt me or play with my heart!!!! I think I needed to know that.
I am in a much BETTER place in all aspects of my life. I am READY when GOD brings that SPECIAL MAN into my life. This JOURNEY… It’s been a struggle to say the LEAST! What I can say is that I’ve had a lot of time to work on ME!!! The GOOD, the BAD and UGLY has been brought forth WITHIN ME and that’s for sure!!! One thing I can say is that as I’ve been able to understand the BEST VERSION of MYSELF; I know I will be at the most HEALTHIEST state I’ve ever been in to give… my BEST SELF to the One that GOD seems WORHTY and DESERVING of HIS DAUGHTERS LOVE!!!!🌸💜
My single journey has not been in vane! It hasn’t gone the way that I had planned but every up and down has allowed GOD to show me, ME!! It has allowed me the opportunity to grow and love my family like I have never loved them before. I’ve been able to fully HEAL and allow God to work through me to hopefully help someone else, even if just one person. I’m ready when God sends my weird and loving man my way, but until then I am waiting ✨✨WAITING THE RIGHT WAY✨✨embracing and enjoying MY life.
I use to regret having opened myself up sexually to the men, but then I realized that there is no point in regretting anything that at one point I was enjoying and having fun in. If you’ve been able to grow and gain anything from it, then take that and learn from it.
Til this day I encourage young people to save themselves and not be in a rush to give up their purity. Mine was taken at a very young age so my mindset was simply that “well it’s already been done, so can’t get any worse.” That was the worse thing to even think. I pride myself in waiting for as long as I did with my virginity, but I know now that it’s definitely something that I suggest all young people to hold out on until they are married. It will mean so much more then and you won’t have to feel like so many layers of your life have been given to different people. Soul Ties are real and I have dealt with so many in my single life. I’ve had to pray some demons up off of me. Once I did things been able to flow so much smoother in my life.
My life is far from perfect and I am constantly learning and growing. Writing about it is proof of that to me. I am now enjoying this journey and I am ready for what God has next for me.
Dear Future Husband,
If you are reading this, just know that I have been on a journey. I have been hurt. I have caused others to be hurt. I am a better person because of my experiences. I have been operated on by the GREAT PHYSICIAN! I am now healing and in the recovery stage! I’m letting you know that I am ready and you need to hurry your tail up!!! LOL!!! I can’t wait to do life with you and share our love! I love you!!!
Your silly, goofy, phenomenal future wife 😘