Posted in FAITH, Growth, Personal Development, TRUST, Uncategorized

DEAR LOST ME!!!

Dear LOST ME,

Somewhere down the road you were told that you would never amount to anything and that your voice would never be heard. You were told that you would be all sorts of negative things that you ultimately believed for a very long time. Many people were told the same things in their life and like yourself they also believed those lies and allowed the lies to stop them from living. You lost YOURSELF for so long! You had no true identity. You had no true sense of worth. You went along with the flow of the world .

Until you met God your life was a total wreck. Now you’re drenched in the fragrance of God’s Love, Grace, Forgiveness, Mercy, Compassion and Worth. Today you’re on a daily road of RECOVERY and WHOLENESS. You’re FREE. Free to be. Free to be who GOD called you to be. Free to be who you’re DESTINED to Be. Free to be WHOLE.


Ready to get back to who you used to be or have you drifted so far that you’ve lost sight of who you used to be? Hurt and pain plagued your life for years but it doesn’t have to plague the final chapters of your DESTINY. You’ve made decisions or the lack thereof out of fear, so why not allow faith to fuel the very essence of your daily grind from here on out. Your smile, your eyes, they sparkle at the thought of your dreams and passions becoming a reality. Let’s unlock the chambers of your heart to love again, to trust again, to live again and to propel to higher heights again. Girl, you’ve hidden yourself for far too long. Now let’s unveil yourself and allow the Glow of Radiance to birth forth! Hurt, pain, abuse, rejection and isolation doesn’t define you! it empowers you to help strengthen another who’s still longing to be found!!!! 💞💞

GRACEFULLY UNVEILED

Ever lose yourself while trying to help others pick themselves up again? Ever lose yourself while trying to find yourself ( may not make sense, but it’s possible)? Ever lose yourself in the chaos of trying to understand the depths of who everyone else wanted you to be? Ever lose yourself trying to be everyone, but you? Here’s the grand all where I know we’ve all fell short: Have you ever loss yourself searching to fill a void in a place that only God Himself can fill?

Over the years, I totally lost myself! I mean TOTALLY and DESPERATELY LOST myself! Truthfully speaking, I often wonder if I ever really knew who I was to even begin with. SAD, BUT IT’S REAL!!! This year I declared that it would be a year of COMPLETE HEALING and WHOLENESS for ME!!! With wholeness comes VULNERABILITY!!!!!!! Who likes being VULNERABLE???? NOT THIS CHIC!!!! No Sir! No Ma’am!!!! LOL!!!! Anyhoo!!! 😃I started this blog with the purpose that I would allow God to use me however HE sees fit!!! I wasn’t really ready and for about a month or more I had a full on wrestling match with God (Yep, almost like Jacob wrestling with the angel! LOL Ya Girl was down and out until I got it together)! It has taken me a while to pen this particular blog post because I wasn’t ready to be fully obedient to the voice of God in being vulnerable in telling some of my TRUTH in how I was LOST at one point of my life!!!

Lost me allowed others to take advantage and I didn’t really care or did I? I just didn’t know how to show up for myself nor did I know how to protect myself especially my innocence or purity. Lost me allowed MOLESTATION define who I was and allowed it to depict what my entire life stood for at the time and for a very long time: Unworthy, Unloved, Not Valued, Trash, Filthy, Lifeless. But the GOOD NEWS is that I NOW know My TRUE IDENTITY. Lost me had no true identity. I didn’t know who I was. I allowed myself to be defined by who I was around at the time. I cussed, I drunk, I gossiped, I partied, I talked down on people and it was all depending on who I was around at certain times. I was a FOLLOWER. SMH!!!

It was a point where I was disrespectful to my GRANDMOTHER!!! When I had to come to her and apologize it’s like my heart broke in pieces ya’ll!!! The only one who NEVER turned her back on me!!!! NEVERRRR!!!! She grasped me back with OPEN ARMS!!! You know what she told me “SHE LOVES ME” and that I was “out sowing my wild oats and sowing all the wrong ones!!!” NOW WHAT IN THE WORLD???? LOL!!! In others words she said I was out being FAST and HOT!!! She wasn’t lying!!! The hurt in my grandmother’s eyes was enough for me!!! I was grown at the time too. I wasn’t yet 25, so trust me when I tell you that age does not mean maturity cause I was grown, yet not MATURE at all!!! Losing yourself will have you destroying the best things that could ever happen in your life and have you destroying the lives around you! During that pivotal time of my life I had a baby cousin tell me to my face that she didn’t even know the person I had become anymore and that she couldn’t even look up to me anymore! Talk about kick a person when they’re down! Sheeesh!!! THAT WAS A WAKE UP CALL!!!


MY GRANNY “MAMA” 💞

Lost me was GULLIBLE to every word spoken to me by a man. CHILE!!! SMH!!! Due to molestation and sexual assaults/rape as an adult LOST ME stopped saying “NO.” For years between the ages of 21-26, I became very promiscuous. My mentality was, “I’m going to just give IT before they take IT and this way I am still in control. I was so lost and in so much pain I was tired of fighting. I was so weak mentally and physically. I didn’t know how to wage against the war that was going on in my mind that was literally taking me out!!! The enemy was slowly trying to kill me!!!! LITERALLY!!!! HAAAAA!!! JOKE WAS ON HIM!!! I’M STILL HERE!!! I became so calloused and hard. My heart became cold and bitter. Love! Ha! That was a joke. What was that?? Now my life exudes Love! I love Hard! Sometimes I think I love too hard! ❤

The thing with that “CONTROL MENTALITY” was that it started another issue of me losing myself which was me becoming BULIMIC, which then started a spiral of other ADDICTIONS down the years. At first I found the thrill and rise of purging to be satisfying because afterwards I could sleep it off and then I felt a part of them was leaving the inside of me so it was a form of relief on my end. I was in a whole “healthy” relationship (as healthy as you can get without God being involved) for one of those years and even then sex was never seen or felt intimate or healthy for me since I was a child.

Until I went strong after God and developed a STRONG FOUNDATION and RELATIONSHIP with HIM nothing was looked at as healthy and whole. I remained lost until I stopped running from God. I promise He snatched my tail up one day and said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!

I was lost! I was empty! As crazy as it may seem I didn’t blame my mom! I didn’t blame my dad! I didn’t blame my abusers! I did when I was younger, but not when I was an adult. The only ones I blamed for my abuse and my years of turmoil was myself and God.

FORGIVENESS IS NECESSARY!!!!!

I blamed God until I got an understanding of who God was to ME! I had to get to know God for MYSELF! I’m not the churchy church girl and I am very rough around the edges and I’m glad God made me this way because it helped me get a better understanding of HIM and the way He carried me through all that I had went THROUGH!!!

BAPTISM (RE-DEDICATED MY LIFE): DECEMBER 27, 2015!!!

It was easier for me to FORGIVE God before myself because even from BIRTH He kept me. As a young girl being physically abused I am still alive and able to tell my story. Through years of being molested and crying for help and nobody, for years, helping me, I can now help other young girls break free from their bondage. Suffering from years of depression and suicide attempts and God saying, “NO.” When you should be dead, but God has allowed you to LIVE and write about it (even though shaking at the thought of others knowing some of your TRUTH!!! 🤷🏾‍♀️) Addiction to pain killers, masturbation, pornography (even if these were just for a brief moment for a week or a month it still consumed my life), but God said YOU ARE NOW WHOLE, DELIVERED AND SET FREE!!! 💞🙇🏾‍♀️💃🏾🙌🏾

I held on to not forgiving myself for so long because I felt so dirty on the inside. I never dealt with anything I was struggling with alone. I always had a spiritual sister, mother or mentor to help guide me or pray me through this journey or when I couldn’t fight this battle alone. I needed help along this path because I knew that I wouldn’t and couldn’t do this alone or on my own. Once I forgave myself things began to look so much more clearer in my life. I was able to be more at peace with who I was and what I was called to do. I still had and have my days and I still struggled with certain things, but I had peace when it was time to go to God in prayer and I wasn’t down and out and depressed when I did make mistakes. I surely wasn’t lost when I fell short. I was able to hear God a lot more clearer. Mind you this process has been over the span of years as God has taken me through a time of self-realization and transformation. He’s still taking me through a PROCESS and I think that will continue until the day he says, “WELL DONE!”

I’m on a different JOURNEY now of WHOLENESS and when I tell ya’ll it’s going to be a WILD JOURNEY for sure. I opened my mouth and spoke something to God. We all know that when you speak things BOLDLY by FAITH that things begin to take place and start to happen! Our words have some MIGHTY POWER! I know for a fact it’s going to come to PASS. With it coming to pass, it’s going to STRETCH ya girl to the fullest depths possible. I hope you all are praying for MEEEE!!!! Just stretch your hands out right now!!! In Jesus Name it shall be DONE!!!! AMEN!!! I’m so serious 🤩😍🙌🏾

I’m no longer LOST! I’m no longer BOUND! I no longer feel ASHAMED of what I have been through, what I have struggled with or what I have yet to even experience because God has been there and will continue to be there through it ALL!! God’s Love is MATCHLESS!!! His GRACE is SUFFICIENT!!! When the WORD says, “HIS MERCIES BEGIN AFRESH EACH MORNING,” believe because it is TRUE!!!


I’M FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! FREE TO BE FULLY USED BY GOD!!! NO MORE HOLDING BACK!!!! HERE I AM GOD!!!!

Posted in DREAMS, FAITH, Growth, RELATIONSHIPS, TRUST, Uncategorized

THE COST OF NOT DREAMING!!!!

💞The Cost of Not Dreaming!!! 💞

As younger children, there’s this image, passion and/or DREAM imbedded in our hearts and minds of what life should consist of. Most young girls picture their marriage, Cinderella fairytale-happy ending. Young boys often dream of a career in sports. Children can dream about so much. The faith and passion that some have when they are younger is MATCHLESS!!!

But what happens when that child doesn’t dream? What happens when that child is forced to stop dreaming?

For myself, I wasn’t dreamer! I never had a strong desire for the fairy-tale, prince charming, riding on a white horse dream. 🤷🏾‍♀️ I also never really dreamed for more! I didn’t see a purpose! The life I was given is all I felt I could ever have!

Why? I don’t know! Maybe it was because I never saw the reality of the white picket fence, perfect family man that loves a woman type of image, that was portrayed on TV. Only thing that was embedded around me was ABUSE and SETTLING! So, I often wondered what was the purpose behind dreaming when I never saw anyone around me with anything that was worth dreaming about? I wasn’t expected to dream! I wasn’t inspired or even encouraged to dream! To me, dreaming wasn’t real and my LIFE, in the present moment, now that was REAL! Hurt, pain and lack of worth, that was real to me. It’s all I knew and all that I saw.

As a result of me not dreaming, I watched myself settle for any and everything that came my way. Honestly put, SETTLING, is one cost of not dreaming. Settling is accepting less than you are worth and what God has called for you to have due to fear, doubt and unbelief.

You settle when you feel you are not worthy of more. Settling stops you from having standards and wanting more for your life. It blocks you from seeing beyond the present and dreaming for more. Settling stops you from having an expectation of GREATER for your LIFE.

I settled a lot growing up! As I got older, I didn’t know what I really wanted for my life. I never prayed for the things that I really wanted because I didn’t think that I would or could receive the things that I really desired. I never thought that I was worthy of having anything beyond my wildest dreams. I never thought that I was special enough to grab hold of the things that I use to write about in my journals.

I settled in my relationships. Mannnn, did I settle in my relationships or as they say now, situation-ships!!!! I ended up giving parts of myself to men who knew they didn’t or wouldn’t have my best interest at heart or who said everything that I wanted to hear, without the actions backing anything up. I formed SEXUAL SOUL TIES with men that I am just now starting to see broken off of me! IF YOU THINK SOUL TIES ARE NOT REAL THEN YOU ARE SADLY MISTAKENNNNN!!!!! I put myself last, I skipped bible study sessions and corporate prayer over the years. I missed pertinent opportunities to spend with family because I settled for the temporary fix! Instead of filling the voids because I failed to dream, with those things that God had right in front of my face, I went for the temporal fix that I thought could help my inner self.

Within my family, I took on issues that weren’t mine because I felt an obligation to some of my family. I felt I didn’t deserve the real and genuine love and respect from some of my family. I accepted whatever and believed whatever they said about me. I was told I was gonna be gay, never amount to nothing and end up just like others who they felt weren’t WORTH nothing. I received and believed this stance on my life because I never dreamed beyond more.

I lost my voice and I lost sight of who I was because the expectations of who I was and who I needed to be was charged based on other’s acceptance and lack thereof of me. I allowed abuse in various forms run rampant in my life and didn’t even care. I simply accepted what I accepted and that was that.

Before 2005, I would work at jobs for less than a week because I refused to push for more in my life. I was lazy and unmotivated. I allowed my credit to get OUT OF CONTROL!!! JESUSSSSS! I allowed my health to deteriorate. I didn’t care.

At 35, I just started dreaming in the past few years. Dreaming for me now is aligned with God and expecting HIS BEST!!!! 🙇🏾‍♀️🙌🏾💞 I take my desires to God now. YESSS LORD!!!!

The COST of NOT DREAMING, cost me decades of my life! Now I am able to dream, have desires and seek God. Knowing that He’s WORTHY, helps me to realize that in HIS EYES I’m WORTH IT!!!!

NOT DREAMING IS A PROBLEM!!!

Submit your dreams to God and allow Him to manifest them more in your LIFE!!! If you’ve never really dreamed of anything greater for your life before, NOW is a great time to start. It may seem uncomfortable at first, but as YOU and GOD (POWER TEAM) 😉 align TOGETHER, then AMAZING things will and can happen!!!

As you begin to dream and vocalize (SPEAK THOSE THINGS THAT BE NOT AS THOUGH THEY WERE… ROMANS. 4:17) your desires to God, how about writing them down, doing vision boards/collages, and most importantly praying over them.

God said that HE WILL give YOU the DESIRES of your heart as you TRUST HIM!!!! (Psalm 37:4)

🌟WHERE YOUR TRUST LIES THERE ALSO LIES YOUR DESIRES AND DREAMS!!!🌟

DREAM OUT LOUD!!!!

Posted in BEGINNINGS, FAITH, Growth, RELATIONSHIPS, TRUST, Uncategorized

NEW BEGINNINGS

NEW BEGINNINGS!!!!!!

Everyone always thinks that “New Beginnings” are always peaches and cream! 😏 For me that has not always been the CASE!!! 🤷🏾‍♀️ I always had this picture in my mind of what NEW BEGINNINGS and TRANSITIONS would look like or even feel like.

LISTEN!!!!! 🤦🏾‍♀️My move to Charlotte in September 2018 proved to me that starting something new and beginning an entire new life and having a new beginning overall, can be fun and exciting, BUT it also comes with its very unique challenges!!! WHEW if y’all only KNEW!!! (rips hair out emoji 😂)

The excitement, the joy, and the endless hopes and possibilities of what’s to come kept me in the race for a good MONTH before I was OVER ITTTTTT!!! There were days I wanted to scream, shout and throw in the towel (ask my close friends and family 🤣), but the reality of what God had set out for me to do kept my head in the game and ready to take on any challenge that came my way.

I love going into every new season of my life with my heart proudly focused on Isaiah 43: 18:

“ DO NOT REMEMBER THE FORMER THINGS, OR PONDER ON THE THINGS OF THE PAST. LISTEN CAREFULLY, I AM ABOUT TO DO A NEW THING…”

The thing with this scripture, if you’re in a bad space, is that you will read it in the wrong context and truly question God. Ask me how I know?!?!?! That was me many of times; especially when dealing with people and dealing with things that hurt me as I transitioned into a new season of my life. I always questioned and wanted to know “why I had to forget about the things that hurt me in order to move into the NEW.”  I had many conversations with God on “how HE expected me to put everything behind me and forget that negative things even happened.”  We love focusing on the negative, but always seem hard at times to focus on the positive that can even come from a negative situation.

Let me tell YOU, God got me together EVERY TIME!!! In order to fully move into YOUR NEW, you have to realize and understand what God has brought you through so that you can KNOW and WITNESS Him moving in your life in GREATER measures into this NEW POSITIONING and BEGINNING.

If we always focus on the THEN and never focus on GOD, who CAN and WILL change the path to our destiny, we will never advance to greater depths with HIM.

God isn’t expecting you to literally forget everything that you have been through or even expect you to pretend like none of it has ever happened. What HE does want for us is the opportunity to hold onto HIS UNCHANGING LOVE and allow HIM the opportunity to make THINGS NEW IN YOUR LIFE!! HE wants to be able to grab you by the hand and walk closely with you, while he expresses how HE will do things GREATER AND BETTER (Ephesians 3:20…CHECK IT OUT) than you could ever perceive in your wildest DREAMS!!

If we always harbor on the things that hurt us or the things that kept us down we will never cross that finish line of FREEDOM!!!!

Moving to Charlotte, for me, in the beginning came with every good, bad and ugly moments! I found out who was truly here for me and who truly had my best interest at heart. I lost some friendships (some I noticed since day one of letting everyone know I was moving) and relationships in my family were destroyed (more than one). You gain some and you lose some, but that’s life! I’m STRONGER because of it!!!

Some of my friendships and family relationships GREW STRONGER and when I tell you they have HELD ME DOWN!!!! 💃🏾My HEART and LOVE goes out to all of them!!! They’re the real MVP’s in my life!!!

       My work family has been PHENOMENAL!!! So many of them have taken me under their wing and they make sure I am 💯 I laugh and act a complete fool with them as if I’ve known them for years!!! They accept me for me and those who know me on a personal level know I can have my up and down days!!! 😂 Being introverted and extroverted can have its moments! Days you want to be bothered and some days you don’t! They get a combo of both of those moments!!! LOL!!!

All in all this NEW BEGINNING for me has been quite unique!!! I didn’t have any idea how I was going to make it through! I didn’t have a clue on what I was doing or even getting myself into when I made the decision to move to Charlotte. Heck, I didn’t want to come for real! I thought I would be completely lost without my granny being right here with me!!! Being 35, I still need and cry for my granny and mom when I am not feeling well or when I want to call it quits. Neither one of them gave into my cries this time!!! LOL!! They made me suck every tear up and keep my tail in Charlotte.

I took a major leap of FAITH. I call it my PETER WALKING ON WATER experience!!! 💞🙇🏾‍♀️ The moment I took my eyes off of Jesus, I truly began to sink, but it didn’t take me long to get my focus right back on HIM, with the amazing help from my SUPER STRONG SUPPORT SYSTEM!!!! You gone need that when you begin anything new!!! (My opinion).

If you really pay attention to the foundation and daily grind of your life, you will notice that God prepares you for things before you even get to experience it. This NEW SEASON or BEGINNING for my life, I know for a fact God had prepared me for it way before I even thought about it or stepped into it. That’s why it’s so important for me to stay in tune and alignment with God so that when things really hit, I won’t be caught off guard or even scared and stuck on what the next move is!!!

Although some things have been a challenge, majority of my time spent in Charlotte and me embracing this NEW MOMENT has been AMAZING!!! I am at total peace with my life right now and I am glowing on the inside and outside because I know that God has orchestrated things in a way that leaves me speechless and I’m expecting HIM to move in an even GREATER WAY!!!! #STRESSFREE

🌟TRUST GOD THROUGH THE PROCESS AND KNOW THAT YOUR NEW BEGINNING IS JUST ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY FOR GOD TO SHOW HIS GLORY IN YOUR LIFE!!! EMBRACE IT AND ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF IT!🌟

PEACE AND BLESSINGS!!! 😉😘

Posted in Uncategorized

What’s Up Ya’ll!!!!

Heyyyyyy,

Thanks for stopping by! I’m overwhelmed with JOY that I’ve gotten the opportunity to speak life, not just into myself, but into those who have decided to stop by. We are on this journey together of self-discovery and rediscovering our “TRUE IDENTITY!!!” Join me as I share life experiences, lessons, and practical advice that I’ve learned over the years!! I am far from perfect, but with us taking this journey together we are much GREATER!!! Grab your sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, aunts and grandparents and let’s all dive deeper in getting to KNOW the real depths of who Christ has called us to be!!!

You readyyyyy??? Then let’s get it!!!!

*Yalonda Nicole*